


you'll shine brighter tonight (burn yourself)

by troublemaker (shoseilovemail)



Series: oh, magical love! [2]
Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Denial of Feelings, F/F, Friends to Lovers, basically shion is confused, jo1 lesbians: the secomd, syoya is in a rock band, the pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:35:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27329632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoseilovemail/pseuds/troublemaker
Summary: “Do you like Syoya? “The question is simple, but it makes Shion’s reality not so simple anymore.
Relationships: Kimata Syoya/Tsurubo Shion, very implied rukisei
Series: oh, magical love! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983736
Kudos: 6





	you'll shine brighter tonight (burn yourself)

"Do you like Syoya? "  
  


It's a question as simple as that that gets her thinking. _Do I like Syoya?_ Of course Shion does, but maybe - probably - the affection she gives her could be considered beyond friendship. They've always been close, so she didn't think too much of it. Of those feelings, sensations that _burn_ beneath her skin whenever they're close.

But she laughs, shakes her head at her friends. _They're all drunken anyways, it's - a joke for sure_ , she assures herself.

They raise their glasses for another round, laugh and giggle and spill food all over the place. Shion doesn't look in Syoya's direction, _tries_ not to - but when she glances her way for a split second she takes it all in and thinks _wow, she's really stunning._

And she doesn't want to stick with the thought and pushes it far, far away. She laughs at Ruki's stupid jokes instead, and overlooks the glances from Syoya.

It's a long night, and at its end Syoya finds her way into Shion's mind anyways.

And Shion still tells herself, _it can't be, I can't have fallen for my best friend. A girl._

It can't be.

*

Maybe it's 6, 7 in the morning when Syoya wakes up. She finds herself at Ruki's house, that has these huge bedrooms with the soft bunk beds. All the other girls are scattered around. Ruki and Shosei are sleeping peacefully in beds, while Sukai lays face down on the ground, and Junki lays spread out like a starfish, about to fall out of bed. Syoya yawns.

Her head pounds a bit. _Why though?_ Maybe it's the alcohol, probably, but wasn't there something else...

She can't recall it so she stands up and stretches. And almost falls over.

There, at her feet, there's a body. More specifically, Shion. As outspread as one could be, she looks like a carpet. A sleeping, _cute_ carpet.

Syoya taps her with her foot, lightly. She's not waking up.

She lets out a sigh and smiles, taking the step over her and everyone else that's on the ground to get to the bathroom.

She takes time for her shower. It's relaxing, after a long, long night. She recalls going to bed and falling asleep so quickly like she hadn't since her preteens.

_Do you like Syoya? No, I don't._

"Foolish you are ", she tells herself. She doesn't even know if Shion likes girls. God, she's so stupid! So stupid! Shion didn't even look at her after that. Yes, they've been good friends since she can remember, but... but...

Syoya shakes her head. It still hurts. She just hopes that they'll still be friends. It can't become that much of a deal, right? She just wants to stay Shion's friend. She doesn't want to lose her, no matter what.

The water burns on her skin, and Syoya hopes to burn herself into Shion's mind, too.

*

See, it's like this - both of them don't want to deal with _feelings_ right now. So they distract themselves.

Syoya goes on stage. Where there's music drumming into her ears, screams only overpowered by her rocking guitar. She jumps and jumps and plays the guitar like a beast. At some point her hair gets into her eyes and it's a mess, maybe she should cut it short. But whatever, she's happy.

She feels alive.

That is, until she spots Shion in the crowd of multiple thousands.

It's not - _completely_ unsettling, but it's not something that'll leave Syoya's mind soon. It sends her back down a spiral, of wild and weird emotions that she calls stupid and shoves into a dark corner of her mind. In the split of a second she feels so much, and then it's gone.

She doesn't stop, _because she's on stage_ , she jumps in a way that makes it reasonable for her to take a little break. Breathes in, breathes out, and crosses Shion out of her mind. There' no place for her here right now.

It's a pity, because she knows that Shion always comes to her concerts. She loves her band's music, and their performance. She always did. It - that won't change now, _right_?

She won't know exactly but something in her moves when she can't spot Shion anymore. Maybe it's sad, disappointed, hateful, blaming and calling herself names.

But she shoves it all far, far away, and plays and jumps even harder.

(What she can't see is Shion [walking] out of the hall, and there's tears where she doesn't want them to be, and she's blaming and calling herself names as much as Syoya does.

Because in that split second where their eyes met, they both realized what is _real_ for them. That does not mean they accept it right now.

And Shion? She just wants to scream, kick a car or whatever, because _it can't be_. It can't be, but it _is real_. It's her - their - reality.

But Shion curses her own feelings out. She just doesn't want things to change. Even though they did, probably.

She doesn't know that Syoya feels the same way, so she wipes her tears away and holds her head up high. If she looks far enough, she can overlook her feelings, too.)

*

It takes time, to say the least. A lot of research, of long nights, of thinking to herself and talking with her friends.

It's way easier when Shion lets herself just feel and listens to her feelings rather than shoving them away. The urge is there, but she continues on. Maybe she cries a few times, but that's just her overall situation.

She comes to the conclusion that she's a lesbian. She's attracted to girls, and girls only. And she has a crush on Syoya, her best friend.

Now, only one of these things is slightly a problem.

 _I just don't know what to do now_ , she texts in her friends' group chat one night.

 _I mean_ , Ruki starts, _you could just.. make a move_

 _She's not confident, though. That's why we are here. So scrap that idea_ , Shosei interrupts before the other can finish.. _...yeah_ , Ruki just writes..

"Yeah... " Shion repeats herself, but it comes out as a long, long sigh. It's not like she doesn't _want_ to be with Syoya. Doesn't _want_ to make a move. She _can't_.

She flops onto her back and spreads her limbs out. She doesn't do anything for a while.

Then, she texts. _It's scary_. 

Her friends send hums of agreement. She finds comfort in the fact that they get it - not just understand, but they _know_ it. They've had their own fair share of the from-friends-to-lovers trope, topped with a lot of confusion and extra angst. They've gotten through it. _They're lucky._

 _I just don't... we've been together for as long as we've been alive, and she - Syoya - I can't imagine living apart from her._ , Shion adds, releasing a breath as she sends. It's rather like a ramble and she closes her eyes, dwells on the feeling for a moment. _For real_.

She hears her notification bell beeping and beeping but she ignores it. It's dark beyond her eyelids, the only light coming from the fireplace in her dark living room.

When Shion flutters her eyes open again, Ruki and Shosei's told her that she has their support _no matter what_ , and that she's not alone.

 _I know I have you guys, but-_ , she types out only to hesitate. A voice in her head completes with _I don't want to feel alone like that_. It sounds cracked up in a way Shion doesn't like, but she already feels her lip quivering, and tears drop onto the bright display.

Eventually, her shaky fingers press send.

Shosei immediately follows up with _it's okay_ and Shion sniffles. A sniffle her friends can't see.

 _She's okay_ , except she's not. Not _really_. And it must be pathetic - that she still feels alone when her best friends are right next to her but she's so _goddamm in love_ that she'd feel like she's missing an entire half of herself without Syoya.

It's bad, really. Her feelings have gone so mad.

She can't stop her tears, though - and as if she read her mind over the distance Ruki starts elaborating on Shosei's words. _I know you don't wanna hear that. But it's okay. Your feelings are okay. It's normal, it's okay._

Shion tries to read besides her own voice screaming thousands of incoherent words in her head. Even when she reaches the end of the message, it continues on - as if there can't be a silence for her. It's a _really_ loud silence.

She goes over the last words, over and over. _It's okay. It's okay._ She hears _no it isn't_ from so many places in her mind, and she tries to shut them out, even if just for one second. Her eyes flicker from here to there, from one letter to another, as if to decipher a deeper meaning behind them that doesn't _actually_ exist.

But there, somewhere there she releases a breath she didn't know she was holding, and with that breath come a thousand of other things, it feels like. It feels like Shion's in the eye of a storm, a million thoughts floating around her.

And there, she finds something.

Another breath. Shion's had a thought, figured something out between all the scrambled sounds. She feels clearer, as the storm in her mind clears up. It is as though she finally found the needle in the bunch of hay. It's something, just something - but a _thing_. It gives her comfort that maybe things that aren't scary are real, too.

The silence that follows is _real_.

She bites her lip, then smiles. _girls_ , Shion sends with an exhale, _just-_  
There's a pause. The voice in her head follows suit.

_thank you._

*

Shion likes to compare her life to movies.

She used to say that her movie is a very boring slice of life - average teenage girl trying to best university. But since that night it's maybe more of a romance. A tragic one, she thought at first. _Now_ , it might be tragic but have a good end, she likes to think. It's unlikely, but _possible._

And even if it ends bad - there's some elements of coming of age, and she'll have learned from it, surely.

Right, that's what she's realized - things are hard, so _fucking_ hard - it's scary, really, but when she tries, tries to aim for the light, it gets a little bit easier to endure.

So she gives her best to figure out what to do now, about herself, and Syoya. She opts for pretending that nothing's changed - while also waiting for a moment where she can confess.

Which is scary, so scary, she's missed a few already, but she really _wants_ to tell Syoya, wants to be with her, even if that's risking everything.

While she's waiting, it's hard to stay calm sometimes - like when she watches Syoya's shows, when they go to the cinema together, when they meet at parties, virtually _any_ moment they're close.

And maybe Shion's just really _whipped_ , but she's come to accept that that's her reality now. And it's hers to make, hers to let light shine on.

*

It feels like only a week passed after their debut album going on sale, but suddenly Syoya's rehearsing for a tour with a planned total audience of ten thousand. She feels happier than ever, being able to return to the stage, and playing in front of people that adore her.

Ah yes, there was something. People that love her, _or not?_

It's complicated. She never knows what Shion thinks, although having been friends with her for over a decade now. It's like her mind is a complete mystery, a treasure box where she can find something new every day. But also a dead end that scares her.

Syoya doesn't want to push, to risk, to protect her friendship ( _her heart_ ) or whatever. In the end, this may just pass as a crush.

But when she's on the penultimate stage, howling and jumping as she rocks her guitar, there's a moment, a single second where she reconsiders. It's like suddenly she's found the subject of a hidden object game at first glance.

She hasn't seen Shion for a whole month. She didn't invite her to come, and she didn't make the effort either. _Yet_.

But there she is, beneath purple and blue lights, in a crowd of thousand other people screaming along to the song. She looks more beautiful than ever, dressed in black accentuated by tiny purple details, like a choker and a headband. There's also various small chains hanging around her that clatter with every movement.

It makes Syoya stop and think. For a just the smallest of a moment, until her awareness kicks back in and she realizes _oh shit, I'm on stage_. She has to push it back - should she, though? _Should she?_

Shouldn't she face it finally and not carry it around over half of Japan? When she maybe, maybe has a chance and she doesn't realize - she should do it. She _wants_ to be with Shion, wants to hold her, _kiss_ her-

But it's also complicated, scary and wicked, that Syoya might lose everything and even more. It's so, so scary, and she doesn't want to think about _that_ part of it.

The song comes to it's climax, the part where everyone screams, and Syoya inhales, and together with so many she screams her soul out, thinking about how fucking hard it is to be. Maybe she even cries, but hopes that everyone thinks it goes along with the song, and not her own emotional turmoil.

After the concert finishes, she feels more exhausted than ever. But there's determination, a thought burning in her mind.

And while all the voices in her head scream at her that it's too risky, too scary, that she could lose everything, she texts Shion.

_Do u wanna come over tmr? I need to talk to you._

*

Syoya's house is not big at all. It's normal sized, for a family of three - maybe that's a lot for just one person, but she doesn't know what else to do with her money.

Normally, it's enough. It's what she's used to. However, now that she's waiting for Shion, it feels so big, so _empty_ for just herself.

The feeling burns in her chest and she balls her fist. _She's gonna do it, she's gonna do it._

She's realized that after she met Shion, _at some point_ , there's been a candle lit in her heart. It's been just a small flame for the longest time in her life - until, well, that night. Suddenly the flame's turned bigger, brighter, _real_ \- clear in front of her eyes, now. They've become big, about to envelop Syoya and burn her fully.

But she doesn't know what's real for Shion, only knows her own reality, but she hopes that their realities are similar, in maybe just even the slightest sense.

That reminds her, she forgot something. And as she carries the self-carved pumpkin down, she wonders if Shion could fill this big house, and when she lights the candle in the pumpkin, she hopes that there's a candle in Shion's heart, too.

*

Things are more awkward than they should be - even though Syoya greets her with a hug _as usual_ , a smile _as usual_. But the air between them is thick, because Syoya's said _I need to talk to you_ and both know what it is about.

They sit at the table, the jack o' lantern between them with its funny face staring at the wall. It's silent, there's only the crackling of flames.

They don't know that they have the same thoughts, that they're afraid of the same thing - it appears so easy, but it's not. Because both are betting everything when they wouldn't lose anything - but of course, they don't know that.

Syoya starts, even if she just takes a deep breath, it's something. "Shion, the reason I texted you - "

The younger girl looks up at her, and there's an unreadable expression in her eyes, a mix of fear, hope and everything in between.

"I need to tell you something. "

Shion's expression softens and _shit_ , Syoya still can't gauge her reaction. She tenses up.

"I- "

That's the start of it, and Syoya knows she can't go back. She's standing at the edge, and she can fall - or step into the fire, and risk burning herself. She bites her lip and looks down, fumbling with her fingers below the table and fumbling for the right words in her mind. There's so much she could say and nothing in her head. She opens her mouth again, and it's so silent, it's like every word she says _now_ could break it all.

"For the longest time in my life, you've been my best friend. ", she opts to, and looks at Shion. She has to smile. Shion's rather known for being grumpy, but that girl is the light of her life.

"And you _really_ mean a lot to me, so when I ", she stops, and takes another _deep_ breath, "when I realized that I like you far beyond friendship, I was really scared. "

And a part of her is still, so she averts her gaze for Shion, folds her hands over her head, looks at the candle that shines through the pumpkin.

"I don't want to lose you, because you shine light into my life, but - I felt like I needed to say this. I couldn't endure it anymore, being scared. "

There she doesn't know how to continue, and she feels the tears welling up, so she shuts her eyes.

When there's no answer, she looks up.

And Shion's not there anymore - for a moment, she feels like banging her fist onto the table, but then she feels warmth from behind her - arms e enveloping her waist, and a head on her shoulder.

"I've felt the same ", Shion just whispers, and it's enough for them both.

Syoya swallows, then turns around - there's Shion and _oh_ , she's crying as well; but they both smile, brightly, and Syoya takes the younger's face into her hands, and kisses her.

It's the moment both waiting for since, forever, maybe? But it was worth it, because it feels so good, and everything becomes clear - and real, like a fairy tale come true.

When Syoya pulls back, Shion's eyes shine clearly - maybe because of tears, of happiness - but it doesn't matter, she's shining although it's so dark around them, and Syoya admires it, stands up and falls into her arms - towards the light.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is loosely from [ so what by loona ](https://youtu.be/GEo5bmUKFvI)  
> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment or find me on [ cc ](https://curiouscat.qa/Shoseilover) or [ twt ](https://twitter.com/shoseilovemail)


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